Time for a Change

For those who are following my posts, I wrote about my miscarriage and my pains. Let me share to you why I cried a lot for the loss of my baby.

After new year I went to the hospital for check and the doctor discovered that I’m on the way of having a baby. It was already 6 weeks. Pregnancy only comes every 7 years for me. I was excited because it’s God’s number. After few weeks something happened that I never expected. We were about to be hit by a motorcycle driver on our way home. I was upset and had sleepless night. Early morning, I found out that I was bleeding, we hurriedly went to the hospital for check up. The doctor discovered that I had myoma which has 7.8cm in diameter and my baby was only 2cm.

She told me that the bleeding was caused by myoma, so there’s no medication and I will just take a rest. After a week I need to be back for another check up, she said. We went home but the pain was so severe and the bleeding was so intense which I barely take it, thinking of my baby I just suffered, I kept it and just bear the severe pain without knowing that my baby was already crying for help. I did not do anything because I trusted the doctor so much.

After few days, bleeding was still disturbing me but the pain was over. I still told my baby to hang on, with a thought that myoma will be gone soon. I was upset a bit why my tummy was becoming smaller, but I still hope for the best, that my baby is still there hanging on. However, in the evening, these words were coming on my mind and every now and then it keeps reminding me, and I woke up with the same words — Time for a Change

The awaited day was over and we were ready to see the doctor. I prepared myself early and went to the hospital with my sweetie. We waited for awhile then the doctor came in. She did a check up with the ultrasound, she found out that there’s no baby inside. She told me that maybe it was only a mass or something inside and it’s gone sometimes. Yet she told me a week before that there is a heartbeat inside and last check up she said if the baby will grow the myoma will become smaller. She did not even asked me of what had happened to me during the week and just jump to a conclusion… We went home and didn’t know what to do. I was still okay but in the evening during our devotional, I remembered my baby. I had the after effect feeling. I was hurt, I cried a lot because of the doctor’s non – caring attitude towards my baby. I was bothered because I didn’t do anything for her. I just presume that she’s a girl (my baby) and sorry for that. That’s what I feel.

I blamed the doctor, I blamed myself, I blamed the circumstances even the motorcycle driver. I was crying a lot, wherever I go and whatever I do, whether I cook or doing something, I heard my baby crying for help. I was starting to be bitter and angry at the circumstances. My hubby was already bothered. I was really glad when he reminded me through his prayer that I don’t need to blame anyone, the circumstances, or even myself because everything has a purpose. Yes, I always do that, but when you are in that situation you will sometimes forget the purpose because of the pain. Now I understand how it feels when a mother has miscarriage. It’s very painful physically and emotionally.

If you were in that situation, what will you do? Therefore I conclude, two is better than one. If I was alone having the pain, I would be led to a bad thoughts that will lead me to become angry and bitter. I’m so blessed to have a hubby who really cares and understands me fully.