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Saturday, February 6, 2010

Time for a Change

For those who are following my posts, I wrote about my miscarriage and my pains. Let me share to you why I cried a lot for the loss of my baby.

After new year I went to the hospital for check and the doctor discovered that I'm on the way of having a baby. It was already 6 weeks. Pregnancy only comes every 7 years for me. I was excited because it's God's number. After few weeks something happened that I never expected. We were about to be hit by a motorcycle driver on our way home. I was upset and had sleepless night. Early morning, I found out that I was bleeding, we hurriedly went to the hospital for check up. The doctor discovered that I had myoma which has 7.8cm in diameter and my baby was only 2cm.

She told me that the bleeding was caused by myoma, so there's no medication and I will just take a rest. After a week I need to be back for another check up, she said. We went home but the pain was so severe and the bleeding was so intense which I barely take it, thinking of my baby I just suffered, I kept it and just bear the severe pain without knowing that my baby was already crying for help. I did not do anything because I trusted the doctor so much.

After few days, bleeding was still disturbing me but the pain was over. I still told my baby to hang on, with a thought that myoma will be gone soon. I was upset a bit why my tummy was becoming smaller, but I still hope for the best, that my baby is still there hanging on. However, in the evening, these words were coming on my mind and every now and then it keeps reminding me, and I woke up with the same words -- Time for a Change---

The awaited day was over and we were ready to see the doctor. I prepared myself early and went to the hospital with my sweetie. We waited for awhile then the doctor came in. She did a check up with the ultrasound, she found out that there's no baby inside. She told me that maybe it was only a mass or something inside and it's gone sometimes. Yet she told me a week before that there is a heartbeat inside and last check up she said if the baby will grow the myoma will become smaller. She did not even asked me of what had happened to me during the week and just jump to a conclusion... We went home and didn't know what to do. I was still okay but in the evening during our devotional, I remembered my baby. I had the after effect feeling. I was hurt, I cried a lot because of the doctor's non - caring attitude towards my baby. I was bothered because I didn't do anything for her. I just presume that she's a girl (my baby) and sorry for that. That's what I feel.

I blamed the doctor, I blamed myself, I blamed the circumstances even the motorcycle driver. I was crying a lot, wherever I go and whatever I do, whether I cook or doing something, I heard my baby crying for help. I was starting to be bitter and angry at the circumstances. My hubby was already bothered. I was really glad when he reminded me through his prayer that I don't need to blame anyone, the circumstances, or even myself because everything has a purpose. Yes, I always do that, but when you are in that situation you will sometimes forget the purpose because of the pain. Now I understand how it feels when a mother has miscarriage. It's very painful physically and emotionally.

If you were in that situation, what will you do? Therefore I conclude, two is better than one. If I was alone having the pain, I would be led to a bad thoughts that will lead me to become angry and bitter. I'm so blessed to have a hubby who really cares and understands me fully.

8 comments:

A.Marie February 6, 2010 at 8:09 AM  

Oh Sarah...sometimes there just isn't an answer to some of these questions. You've gone through a very heart-wrenching situation and it is normal to have these thoughts. Grief, anger, loss, then acceptance of the situation...these are all stages that you will work through. I am glad that you have a supportive husband by your side.

Riza February 6, 2010 at 10:00 AM  

Hi, sorry to hear about your miscarriage, actually I too myself am a survivor of that misfortune. I had two babies die inside of me and yes they had heartbeats. The first one was because nobody wanted to listen to me and nobody wanted to help me, the second miscarriage was also blamed to me by my ex, that it shouldn't have been formed in the first place etc etc and I also suffered persecution from the church for some reason, they say it's my actions, my personality and so on. It was a very hurtful experience and at the time, my only console was the Lord. I also had those moments when I would be doing my chores and I cry. I also gave genders and names to those babies that i lost, a pastor told me that whatever gender and name I give the child, since it's still a spirit, the Lord will accept it. It may not be logical but I believe that the Lord understood my motherly heart. My son's name is Andrew and my daughter's name is Jemimah. My eldest is my second pregnancy and first born, my daughter is my fourth pregnancy, and my youngest. God has rewarded my pain with joy, and these are one of those miracles that I hold on to keep me going through the tough times. Like Hanna, don't stop crying out to the Lord. This test is not from God but from the enemy himself, always put a covering over your family. I admire you for your strenght. Continue making the joy of the Lord as your strenght.

Riza February 6, 2010 at 10:03 AM  

I don't know if it would help, and I don't know if my ex's uncle still works in PGH, but maybe you can try, his name is Mike del Rosario, he works for the administration department. Tell them that I mentioned your name and that maybe he can help you to get a more affordable doctor or obgyne.

Personalized Sketches and Sentiments February 6, 2010 at 4:26 PM  

Prayers for you! Lean on the Lord for strength and peace. Yes, you are blessed to have a husband that supports and loves you.

Blessings & Aloha!
(also want to say you little boys are so cute and look like they get along with each other very well.)

lina@women's perspectives February 6, 2010 at 7:21 PM  

Sarah, I'm almost crying reading this. I'm sorry I can't help you, but I think your husband is right, don't blame yourself...
I can feel how angry and sad you are now, just remember that time will heal your wound. You just need more times to recover...
Sarah, in my religion, it's said that the baby like yours, who's still holy when passed away; she/he will wait for you in heaven's door...

litlit February 6, 2010 at 7:58 PM  

God knows best! Hugs to you!

Irvin February 6, 2010 at 7:59 PM  

Ate we're sorry to hear that. pero sabi nga just always hang on the perfect will of God. He knows what's best. God bless you...!

Mel Alarilla February 7, 2010 at 1:18 PM  

Oh Sarah, your post made me cry. I could feel the bitter pain in your heart of losing your precious baby with the thought that an insensitive doctor gave you a wrong advice. But these things do not happen by accident. That is the will of God and only He knows the reasons behind that painful incident in your life. You are right. The theme of your life right now should be- Time for a change. Probably God is holding you closer in His arms and He has other wonderful plans for you. It is good that your husband was there to support you and strengthen you in that most volatile moment of your life when you could have been bitter and start blaming every body including yourself and God. You are blessed and God will never leave you nor forsake you. I prayed for you and will continue to pray for you so that the Holy Spirit will comfort you in your moment of pain and loss. Thanks for the poignant post. God bless you all always.

 

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